


if i'm losing a piece of me, maybe i don't want heaven.

by peachy-ivqn (drqco)



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Angst, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Rapunzel Elements, Secret Relationship, ivan is a prince, luka has magical hair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2019-07-07 15:16:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15910881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drqco/pseuds/peachy-ivqn
Summary: they could only love each other in silence, but loving each other in silence was better than not loving each other at all.in which luka has long hair in the kingdom (maybe the longest in the world, who knows), ivan is a prince, and they cannot get enough of each other.





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> my hand slipped :// 
> 
> so, i feel like i saw a pic somewhere where luka was rapunzel ? i can't remember who the artist was (if u know, pls tell me !!), but that sorta inspired this ? it took me a long while to piece this fic together, but here it is !! it went through numerous drafts and plots, but y'know, that's the creative process, eh ? anyway, this is kinda a wip ? i have another chapter that's ready to post after this, and the last and final chapter is in the works. (but i might add a fourth chapter, it depends on what happens with the third.) i will upload the next chapter tomorrow, though. i'ma try to upload the third by sunday or next week, but i'm not sure. so ya. 
> 
> some more notes !! 
> 
> \- the long hair luka has is obviously taken from rapunzel !! (his hair does different things, which y'all will find out later ;)) 
> 
> \- this is also a bit influenced by 'the song of achilles' by madeline miller. mainly achilles' and patroclus' relationship influenced ivan and luka's relationship, if you know what i mean. it's a truly wonderful book (it's basically a re-telling of the illiad !), and i highly recommend it !! 
> 
> \- title from 'heaven' by troye sivan. 
> 
> that's it !! i hope y'all enjoy !! (shoutout to the croatia nt fandom too,,,,,, y'all are wild and it's a ride to be apart of y'all lmfao)

"Mama?" 

"Yes?" 

"What did you say about my hair?" A tiny voice whispers. It was night, and the small boy was too restless to sleep. It was only his mama and him awake, his sisters and papa sleeping soundly. His mama ran her hands through his hair, soothing him. 

He was different from the other boys in the village, and the main difference was his hair. "You want to know your fate?" His mama says gently. Uncertainty taints her voice, as if she was scared. "Yes, mama. I am old enough, aren't I?" He says, sitting up and looking his at her, the candle light showing her face. His mother sighs, running a hand through his hair again. "Will it help you sleep?" 

"Yes, mama," The boy says eagerly. His mother pats her chest, signaling for him to lay on her. He does, and his mother holds him. "Are you ready, Luka?" 

"Of course, mama." 

\--- 

His mama had told him his fate when he was only seven years old. 

It's seven years later now, and he is older. His hair has grown longer, it's now past his knees. The boys his age had shorter hair, for some reason, it never grew past their shoulders. He had the longest hair in the village, (his mama says he had the longest hair in the world, but he doesn't believe it.) which did give him some popularity. The girls in school loved to play with it, sometimes they'd put flowers in the long, blonde strands. Or braids if they felt like it. Luka let them, only when he wasn't playing football. 

His hair interfered with his game sometimes, it usually fell in front of his face or if he bent over, he'd trip. The taunts from the other boys were unbearable sometimes, claiming that he shouldn't play football because of his hair. It hurt, but he kept playing. 

Other than the taunts, the attention he got because of his hair were mostly positive. He also had wonderful friends, and even though they were poor, they still had each other. 

"Luka, may I have some of your hair?" Luka's best friend Danijel joked around, punching him in the shoulder. They were walking home, their classes had just finished for the weekend. Luka shakes his head, laughing along with him. He takes his long hair and places it on Dan's head, their heads close to each other. "There you go!" The 14-year-old exclaims. 

The two walk like that, trying to hold in their laughter but ultimately failing. Eventually Dan is the one who breaks their position. But it is for a good reason, though. 

"Luka! The prince!" Danjiel exclaims, pointing over to a boy who looks the same age as them. It is indeed their prince, Ivan Rakitić. He is guarded by two men, with grand uniforms and swords. Prince Ivan is coming towards them, but he doesn't look over at them. He was looking at the street vendors, supposedly looking for something. The vendors bow their heads at the prince, grinning widely but formally. It isn't a rare occasion, the prince coming down into the village, but Dan and Luka haven't seen him in person. 

Schoolgirls his age pass by the prince, curtsying in their big skirts. They all flirt with him, and the prince can't help but smile back. The boys pass by him with formal smiles, bowing slightly, then continuing on with their walk. Adults bow too, sometimes offering him gifts. 

The prince is dressed in white from head to toe, but a black sash goes across his thin frame. The castle's seal is also on his chest. There is no crown on his head, he rarely wears it when he goes into the village. 

Luka stares at the prince, as he's never seen him in person before. Dan does too, they look like girls ogling at their crushes. When the people crossing the path disperse, the prince looks around, but he catches their eyes. Luka blushes, subconciously fixing his clothes. Well, they were ripped and tatttered a little, so there really wouldn't be a difference. The prince is coming towards them, his bodyguards close behind. 

When the prince gets closer, he and Danijel bow, it was what they were taught in school. "Prince Ivan," They both say as they look back up at him. The blonde prince grins at them, clasping his hands together. 

"You must be Luka Modrić, no? My mama and papa have told me about you," Prince Ivan says, causing Luka to turn beet red. The king and queen have talked about him? "Yes, I am, Prince Ivan," He says sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. He sees Dan smile at him. "And you are?" The prince signals to Dan. 

"Oh! Danijel Subašić, Prince Ivan," Dan says confidently. Ivan nods, but he turns back to Luka. "Your hair, it is much longer in person. And much more beautiful," Ivan says, motioning towards Luka's hair. Luka blushes, tucking some of it behind his ear. "Oh, thank you, Prince," Luka says, looking up into his eyes. 

Luka actually grabs some of his hair and holds it in front of the prince, letting him touch it. "You can touch it," He says gently. The prince carefully takes off his gloves, stuffing them into his pocket. He reaches over and feels it, it was so nice to the touch. It was very soft and silky, it was really beautiful. "It's very nice," The prince says. 

"Ah well, me and my mama take care of it very well. It musn't die," He says. The two of them talk amongst themselves, and Dan slips away. "I'll leave you two," Dan whispers, though he doesn't look offended. "Oh if you're leaving, then I must as well," Luka tries to say, but he is cut off. 

"No, I'll tell your mama and papa that you're with the prince. You must stay, see you later Lukita. Goodbye, Prince Ivan," Dan bows to Ivan, and waves his goodbye at Luka. Soon, it's just him, Ivan, his two bodyguards, and some nearby onlookers. "Lukita? That's a nice nickname, may I call you that? What does it mean?" Ivan asks him, his green eyes sparkling. Luka nods quickly and eagerly, he can't believe he is on nickname level with the prince. 

"The -ita, means 'small'. And well, just look at me. It's part of a different language, Spanish. Some of my friends know some of it, they've been teaching me. And of course, Prince," Luka explains. Technically, it should be 'Lukito', but ever since Dan had called him 'Lukita', it stuck. 

"Ah, okay. You want to talk some more? There is a secret place in the woods, no one ever goes there!" The boy says excitedly, holding Luka's arm. Luka thinks about it for a moment, his mama had of course told him to not go with people he had just met. But it's the prince, surely he would not hurt him. 

But would the prince really want to talk to a peasant boy like him? "I don't think you'd like to talk to a peasant boy like me," Luka says, ashamed. He gently pries his arm away from Ivan's hold. The prince shakes his head, "no, no. Of course I'd like to talk to you! The prince exclaims, taking his arm again. "Alright, then," Luka smiles, letting himself be swept away by the prince. 

The prince jumps and turns around, dragging Luka along with him. They were heading towards the entrance of the woods, but they were guarded by the castle's guards. Ivan's bodyguards follow closely behind them, but they wait at the entrance with the others, letting Luka and Ivan by themselves in the woods. "Take care Prince!" The guard calls out. That causes him to run faster, gripping Luka's arm harder. Their laughter fills the woods. Luka is still in denial, he's holding hands with the prince! 

The prince leads them to a waterfall, it was small but beautiful. It was much quieter here, and much more peaceful. The flowers were in bloom, and the tree leaves a deep green. There were beautiful Chrysanthemums of purple, pink, and yellow. Ferns and grass carressed their ankles (Ivan had already slipped off his shoes, and Luka his slippers.), tickling them slightly. But it was refreshing, looking at all the lovely nature around them. It truly looked like an oasis in a desert. "Wow," Luka breathes out, sitting next to Ivan in the grass. 

"It is beautiful, isn't it? I go here sometimes. The guards leave me alone," Ivan sighs, running a hand through his chopped, short hair. The complete opposite of Luka's. A comfortable silence sits in the air, and it feels like it's just him and the prince and this small little oasis. 

"Well, we came over here to talk, didn't we?"

"Yes, Prince Ivan."

"No need to act so formal, Lukita. Call me Ivan." A beat of silence. "Any questions then, Ivan?" Luka smirks, looking over at him. Silence. 

"Do you play football?" 

Luka bursts into laughter. 

\--- 

Their friendship comes like a flood after that. It became a routine, whenever Ivan could escape from castle duties, he'd wait for Luka by the forest entrance (Luka's route home from school passed by the forest, so he'd be able to see.). He had told his parents about the prince, and in the beginning, his sisters didn't believe him. But now, they did. 

Two years have passed since their meeting. Most of the town knew about their friendship, and most were happy. Luka's friends enjoyed it, they sometimes hung out with Ivan too. Ivan also provided them with food sometimes, he'd bring bread and meat from the castle down to Luka and his friends. All of them would eat in the woods together sometimes. 

Luka enjoyed being Ivan's friend, he talked to Ivan about everything. His family, studies, even something as little as what he ate earlier. Ivan would talk about the castle, or the stories his mama would tell him. In the two years of their friendship, they already knew a lot about each other. 

Along with the happiness, there also was sadness and anger involved too. They rarely fought, but when they did, it was like fire versus the cold. Relentless. They would go at it for days, but eventually they would grow tired. They'd make up, and act as if they haven't fought for a week straight. Sadness was in their friendship too, Ivan would discuss his family, he was scared for his papa and mama's health. He wasn't yet confident in being king yet. 

Luka would talk about the taunts in school. 

It had especially been bad today, some kids pushed him down to the ground unfairly, and shouted abuse. "Why would the prince be friends with you? Dirty little peasant," They spat at him. They pulled on his long hair, and his head hurt so much. They threw stones, and wood, he felt the wood piercing through him. Then Ivan came, as if he was Luka's guardian angel. 

"Get out! Stop hurting him!" A roar came from outside of the crowd that was abusing him. It was Ivan, bursting with anger and fury. The kids quickly dispersed after that, bowing and then taking off. Ivan and his guards helped him up, but the pain he was in was excrutiating. "Please, get the carriage, we need to get him into the castle," Ivan said frantically, sending the guards away. "No need, I-I can manage," Luka tries to say, doubling over to cough. 

"The wound is deep, and the infirmary is farther than the castle. Come on, I'll carry you into the carriage," Ivan says, scooping up Luka. He throws his hair onto himself, so it wouldn't drag on the ground too much. The guards help the two onto the carriage, and they set off for the castle quickly. 

"Clear the way! Move! Please, clear the road!" The guards shout at onlookers, trying to get a clear path. 

"I'm going to beat the living hell out of those bastards," Ivan grits out, balling his fists. The fury from earlier returns on his face. Luka shakes his head, a pang of pain shoots throughout his body. Ivan snaps out of his fury and focuses on him. 

"Where does it hurt, Lukita? Don't worry, we're here," Ivan says gently, running a soothing hand on Luka's arm. There is blood on his uniform now, Luka wonders how Ivan's parents would think about this. Luka just nods wearily, afraid that moving would hurt him even more. 

The next few minutes were a blur, he was quickly rushed into the castle's infirmary. The pain was so unbearable he couldn't even look to admire the castle's interior, as he has never been inside before. Ivan's arms are curled around him, offering a bit of comfort and warmth amidst the pain. If he wasn't bleeding out, Luka would've liked for this to happen again. 

There's another sharp pain he feels in his stomach, and he can't help but groan. "It's okay, Luka. Shh, sleep now, it's alright. We will take care of you," Ivan hushes him, trying to make him close his eyes. At Ivan's words, Luka closes his eyes. 

\--- 

When Luka wakes, the pain is mostly gone. He wakes up slowly, blinking as if he was waking up to a dream. He isn't in the castle infirmary anymore, it was a different setting. He was tucked into a large bed in a large room. A large lamp hung above him, and there was a nice breeze blowing through an open window. His hair is over the side of the bed, splayed out onto the carpeted floor. The room was grand, it was probably the size of his own house. 

He tries to move, but the pain from his wounds prevent him. He instead grunts loudly in pain. At his grunts, he feels the right side of the bed shift, someone is with him. He turns his head, and was greeted with a slowly waking prince. "Luka, you are awake. Don't move, okay? You need rest," The prince says sleepily, moving closer to Luka. His bloodied uniform is changed, now it was just regular (but still fancy) undergarments for sleeping. Luka's clothes are changed too, in the same fancy clothing. He is pretty sure the cost of what he was wearing right now was more than all his clothing at home combined. 

Ivan places his hand against Luka's forhead, gasping quietly. "You're warm, let me get a washcloth," He states, getting out of the bed and grabbing the bowl of water and washcloth from the side of the bed. He must've been cooling and wiping his face earlier. The blonde prince moves around the bed and goes to Luka's side, pulling up a chair. He places the bowl of water on the bedside table and the washcloth. 

The boy quietly wipes Luka's face, and it feels really nice. Luka sighs in contentment, closing his eyes. "Thank you, Ivan. You didn't need to do this. I owe you my life," He whispers. Without hesistation Ivan says, "You are my best friend, I'd save you in a heartbeat." Ivan says it with complete confidence on his face and in his voice. Luka nods and goes quiet, letting Ivan cool him off. The term 'best friend' warms his heart. 

"Do my parents know?" Luka asks after a while, breaking the silence. 

"I have sent guards to alert them, but they are coming tomorrow. You must stay here for now, the movement would interfere with the healing," Ivan says gently, wiping at Luka's forehead. "Do your parents know?" Luka whispers, a bit ashamed. "Yes, they have visited when you were sleeping. They welcome your stay, Luka, if that's what you're worried about," Ivan says in a hushed tone, moving on to cool Luka's arms. He has so many questions, but even though he had just woken up, sleep tugs at him like a child tugs their mother. 

It was quiet, different from the taunts and shouts from earlier. It felt like only him, Ivan, and this large room existed. He wouldn't mind. 

In the two years of their friendship, his feelings for Ivan had changed. It had come slowly at first, like the beginning of their friendship. And then, like a flood, it all came crashing down onto Luka. He would notice the small things now, the way Ivan's hands were now calloused from his duties in the castle, or the way his arms had grown much more stronger. 

He would never act on his feelings, no. He isn't selfish. The friendship he had with Ivan was more than enough. But everytime he was near Ivan, his heart would leap grandly like the dancers he had seen. He feels Ivan's touch through the cloth, it is not very soft, but it's still gentle. Luka enjoys it, he would savor this moment until he died. This may be the only time. 

Luka watches Ivan with half lidded eyes, Ivan cares for him gracefully, he knows what he is doing. 

The angle in which Luka looks at Ivan somehow makes Ivan look even better. His green eyes were much more softer than before. He looks concerned though, signs of stress showing up on his forehead. The wrinkles hadn't started to appear until a few months ago, his mama and papa had started to teach him the real duties of being a prince. But apart from the wrinkles, Ivan had changed. 

They have grown so much in the past two years. Ivan looks older, his face was different. Not by much, but still different. He himself was probably much different also. A small stubble had started to appear on Ivan's face, one of the first signs of adolescence. His face in general was much more serious, but it still was gentle and softened at times. Like how a prince's face should be. 

"Is there something on my face?" Ivan says lightheartedly, noticing Luka's staring. 

"No, but it is different," Luka says honestly. "It is this, right? And this," Ivan points to his stubble and the small bump on his throat. Luka nods. 

"You have changed as well," Ivan states, dipping the washcloth back into the cool water. "Oh?" Luka whispers, tilting his head. Ivan smiles, wiping at Luka's forehead before showing him. 

"Here," Ivan points to the bump on Luka's throat. His mama had told him this too, with watery eyes. His papa, as well. 

"Here also," Ivan runs his index finger along Luka's jaw. It's strange, Ivan had never touched him like this. The knots in Luka's stomach tighten. 

"Of course here," Ivan runs his whole hand through the part of Luka's hair he could reach. He can't help but laugh, of course. His hair was the most noticeable feature of his body. The color was much brighter too. 

"Here as well," Ivan whispers, running his hands on Luka's biceps. Ivan pulls back, continuing to cool him. Luka thinks he is done, and closes his eyes, thinking about what just happened. But he merely pauses, placing the washcloth back into the bowl. Ivan hesitates as he observes the next change. 

"Finally here," Ivan says dauntingly, turning to Luka and gently touching Luka's lip with his thumb. 

Panic rises in Luka, does Ivan know what he is doing? Ivan doesn't show any signs of embarrassment, maybe he wanted this too. Ivan is much more closer now, washcloth abandoned in the bowl. Ivan's familiar scent fills his nostrils, it is sweet but not strong. It was much too complex, just like Ivan. But it was good, with hints of the scents of fruits mixed in. Of course, Ivan was around fruits much more than Luka, as he was a prince and fruits were kind of a privilege for the more wealthy. He was to pick up the scent sometime. 

He is close, their noses are brushing against each other. At this point, Luka doesn't know if he should lean forward or him. But before he could decide, Ivan closes the infinitesimal space between them. Instantly, Luka kisses him back, as if he was already an expert. (He has never kissed anyone before.) 

And much too soon for Luka's taste, Ivan pulls away. He is still close, lips parted. His taste lingers on Luka's tongue, but it wasn't enough to fully know what it was. It was sweet, like the rest of him, for sure. He cannot get enough of it. Luka places a hand on Ivan's cheek also, catching a glimpse of his face. There is no regret nor disgust, just pleasure and loveliness. Another moment passes, and Luka is the one to press his lips against Ivan's, soft and slow. It takes a minute, but Luka concludes that the sweet taste is honey and strawberries. He will never get enough. 

They both know this wasn't allowed, it was illegal. Though it was not pushed upon like other laws. Most men or women could get away with it. If they were caught, it was time in jail, or they'd be cursed. Was it accepted? No. Would there be insane amounts of ridicule if people found out? Yes. Ivan was also a prince, Luka doesn't know what the king and queen would do if they found out about this. 

But Luka couldn't find it in his self to care. Why would loving be illegal? 

It takes a long time for them to pull away from each other. Their breaths mingle with each other, and there is a great amount of euphoria in Luka's chest. Ivan looks like he has seen an oasis in the middle of a desert. They giggle softly, and Ivan leans down to lay his head on a pillow next to Luka's. His gaze is loving, as if they hadn't done anyhing illegal just now. "This is not allowed," Luka whispers the obvious. He brings the two of them back to reality, but they could make it work. Luka would like it, but if Ivan would was the question. 

"I know," Ivan states, hand still caressing Luka's cheek. 

"We wouldn't be allowed to go out like this," Luka says, sadness tinging his voice. Ivan frowns slightly, nodding his head. "Yes." 

A beat. 

"Are you okay with this?" Ivan asks, hand finding its way under Luka's shirt. Luka knows it's a double entendre. 

"Of course I am, I kissed you back, haven't I?" Luka responds, eyes softening. What he says is true, he knows that he'll never be able to do this in front of others, like the other couples do. 

A new found hunger appears in Ivan's eyes, he carefully climbs over Luka to lay on the other side of him. He kisses him like they've been doing this for years. Luka can't help but chuckle, albeit quietly, as to not wake anyone up. Luka was pretty sure the whole kingdom was sleeping, and he and Ivan were the only ones awake, and if Luka could keep it that way, he would. Their relationship would be different, yes, but he didn't care. 

They could only love each other in silence, but loving each other in silence was better than not loving each other at all.


	2. ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the ball.

When Luka isn't out working or at school, he visits Ivan in the castle. 

A few months have passed since their kiss, and their relationship has blossomed even more. Of course they haven't been able to go out together as a couple, but loving Ivan in the silence of his room was more than enough. He hasn't told any of his friends about his relationship with the prince, it was much too dangerous. Though they question him about it a lot. 

His parents knew that he went to the castle, and they appreciated Ivan's kindness. When Luka would return home, he'd bring food or blankets from the castle. His mother got very sick once, and Ivan had supplied them with enough medicine to care for her. They owed the royal family their lives. Of course, the most Ivan would take from them is a simple thank you. Ivan was too kind. 

Along with their relationship blooming, Luka's hair was still growing. It was now his height and Ivan's height combined. It was a pain to carry, as he had to sometimes ball it up and carry it in a bag so it wouldn't drag on the floor. But it was still very beautiful. 

The two weren't in the castle now, they were simply relaxing by their old spot in the woods. The The sounds of the waterfall were soothing. They talked quietly to each other, hands holding the other. It was a nice feeling, to be held. And by Ivan's arms nonetheless. 

The two were making small conversation, Ivan was tellling him about his royal duties and such. 

"There is to be a ball soon," Ivan whispers against Luka's hair. "Oh," Luka breathes. They both understood what it meant. 

It was growing closer to Ivan's 17th birhday, the age when a prince would find a girl to marry. 

Luka was older than Ivan, but not by much. His family recommends that he find a girl to marry. Sure some girls ogle at him (mostly because of his hair), but he would marry Ivan in a heartbeat. Ivan would marry him in a heartbeat too. 

At the ball, all girls around the ages of 14-18 were invited, dressed in the prettiest of gowns. Their hair would fall, and they'd look so pristine and perfect. Boys 14-18 were invited also, to look for future wives if they didn't already have one. But it was the prince's ball, and the prince was able to choose which girl to dance with first. 

The ball was grand, nothing short of mesmerizing for the prince. His mama had told him about the ball once, when the king was still a prince and was finding a wife. 

"You will come, right?" Ivan asks. As if he had to ask Luka. "Of course I will come. It will hurt me to see you dance with another girl, though," Luka admits. He understood, a wife was a requirement for a prince.

They shift positions so Ivan could lie on his back, while Luka traced patterns on his clothed chest. "It will hurt me too," Ivan whispers back. The birds stop chirping for a moment. Sadness. 

\---

The time for the ball arrives more sooner than later. The two of them dread it. But it is also Ivan's birthday. He had a gift prepared for him, he would give it to him later. They haven't seen each today, as Ivan was busy getting prepared for the ball. In spite of that, Ivan makes Luka dress magnificently. He gets a beautiful coat and trousers from Ivan. It was black, contrasting his golden hair. He wears his clothing with pride. 

Luka encourages his sisters to come along with him, but they refuse. They already have lovers. 

He makes it to the ball right on time for dinner. He was accompanied with other boys and girls, dresses shimmering and coats pristine. A lot of money was spent on these balls, even the poorest attended. He sees his friends already talking with some girls. Šime's hair was tamed for once, but his curls still bounce whenever he moved. Domo looked perfect, completely different from his nomally disheveled look. Mario and Dejan looked like they didn't want to be here at all, but still talked to some girls nonetheless. 

Many people notice Luka's arrival. He had his hair braided (it took so long), with Chrysanthemums sprinkled in here and there. Not all of it drags on the floor, it's pulled up a bit higher, since he didn't want anyone to trip as they danced. 

His eyes find Ivan, who was sitting with his mama and papa. Ivan's eyes find him also. Ivan looked absolutely beautiful, Luka finds himself in a daze. He sends him a big grin, and Luka reciprocates. 

The hall they use for the ball is enormous, gold lines every wall, with intricate designs ingraved in each and every one of them. Luka's been in here already, Ivan had taught him how to dance here. It was a few months ago, when the hall was empty. Ivan teached him a waltz, teaching Luka how to lead. There no music, but they didn't need it. 

After the initial greetings, he decides to sit with a girl who sat alone. His friends were all the way across the hall anyway. The girl he is with is his height, with beautiful green eyes like Ivan's. A silver necklace hangs around her neck, it must've cost a lot. Her chestnut hair was tied up into a lump on her head, adorned with silver pins. Her gown is simple, a pastel green to accompany her eyes. "It's so pretty," She says when she makes eye contact with him. He knows what she's referring to. "Thank you," He says, bowing his head a little. She is younger than him, he presumes. 

He chats with the girl as they eat, but after dinner, she breaks apart from him. "It was wonderful talking with you," She says. She offers her hand to Luka, and he kisses her palm as a form of respect. She smiles at him one last time, then turns her back and walks away. 

The tables have been cleared, and the familiar sound of a waltz kick in. Ladies join gentlemen in the dance, poised and perfect. Luka watches from the side. His eyes find Ivan's again, and this time, he isn't alone. He is dancing with a girl who was his height, with blonde hair just like his. She is dawned with beautiful pearls, and with a blue, elegant dress that complimented her eyes perfectly. She was very beautiful, Luka thought. Ivan seemed joyous, with a grin that reached his eyes. His body seemed very relaxed with her. 

As the night proceeded, Luka eventually danced with other girls, but they always left. Ivan danced with other girls too, until he made a final decision. The two actually passed each other on the floor, and Ivan whispered in his ear. "Meet me in the guest room, the one to the right of my room after the ball. You can rest there. It will take me about an hour, but I will return there. I have prepared undergarments for you to sleep in. You won't be disturbed," He whispers fast, and Luka almost doesn't catch it. When he pulls away from his ear, Luka nods at him. 

After that, Ivan makes his decision. It is with the girl he chose in the beginning, the one with the amazing blue dress. Everyone claps, even the other girls he danced with. Luka notices they already have boys on their arms. The girl Luka was dancing with claps too. She turns to Luka, and shakes her head. Luka understands. 

The kind and queen say the closing speeches, and Luka slips out of the ballroom, making eye contact with Ivan before heading to the guest room. Luka reaches it quickly, he knows where Ivan's room is by heart. But instead of entering there, he enters the room to his right. 

It is similar to Ivan's, though it is smaller and less personalized. Something is laid on the bed though, clothes, as Ivan had promised. A note lay there too. 

'for luka -ivan' it read. He smiles at it. He shuts the door behind him, but doesn't lock it. Ivan is coming later. 

He changes quickly, folding his fancy suit and leaving it under the bed. He keeps his hair in the same braid. He pulls out a small box from his suit pocket though, it was his gift to Ivan. It was a simple silver bracelet with an engraving and a small charm attatched to it. The engraving read, 'please don't forget me. -l" in small letters. It was simple, no one needed to see it but him and Ivan. And if someone did see it, Ivan could easily lie and say it was from one of his friends. 

He took a look at the gift one final time before closing the small box and placing it on the bedside table for Ivan. He had spent a good portion of his savings for this, he hoped Ivan would like it. 

After doing that, he crawls back into the bed, sighing because of the warmth of the thick blankets. He would never get used to the feeling. He patiently waits for Ivan to come in and lay with him. Ivan had said it would take about an hour, though. 

His thoughts are answered with footsteps nearing. Luka smiles, it must be Ivan. But there were more than two footsteps, there was another person. A loud giggle follows Ivan's own laughs. He assumes it's the girl he had chosen. He hears the door to Ivan's room open then close. the walls were thick enough to block out whatever sounds came from the room, but it didn't take a genius to know what was happening.

Instead of crying, he slept. 

\--- 

He awoke to the sound of sobbing next to him. Familiar warm arms held him, but they were shaking. Ivan was crying, whispering out, 'I'm sorry' over and over again. He wonders how long Ivan has been here. Luka turns to him, surprising Ivan at the sudden movement. The moonlight caresses Ivan's face beautifully, he looks more handsome than usual, even though he's crying. Instead of Luka crying along with him, he moves closer to him and holds him as well, placing a kiss on his forehead. 

After a few minutes of holding each other, Ivan is the first one to break away, holding Luka's cheek. But Luka is the first to speak. "What is her name?" Luka asks, sadness slowly brewing inside of him. Ivan shakes his head. "I can't tell. It makes it real," He says quietly. Luka nods. 

They go quiet after a few seconds, savoring the warmth between them. Ivan was wearing undergarments like his, different from the more elegant and pristine clothes he wore during the ball. His face was buried in Luka's chest, much different than their usual positions.

He asks Ivan what it was like, he says he was afraid. They had done it quickly. Barely any words spoken between the two. "What else?" Luka pressed on. Ivan shakes his head. "I do not remember much. I had blown out the lamp, it was much too dark. I wanted to get it over with." Ivan pushed away strands of hair from Luka's face. Another kiss to his forehead. "I wished it was you," Ivan mumbles. Luka knows this, but it still hurt a tiny bit. 

"Is she still there?" Luka asks him. He and Ivan do not keep secrets from each other, he knew Ivan would be honest. "I sent her home," Ivan says. Luka doesn't know what to feel, is he happy Ivan had come to him? Even Luka is a bit ashamed, he really shouldn't have left the girl. It wasn't proper. "She is safe, I made sure of it. I sent guards to accompany her home. She is okay with it, she said, 'it is a small price to pay to be able to marry the prince'," The green-eyed boy whispers, holding Luka impossibly closer. Ivan's voice breaks at the end of the sentence, he sounds so pained. He decides to drop the topic and save it for a later date, as they were both tired. 

Oh, the gift. He almost forgot. 

Even though there is still the tiniest bit of hurt in him, Luka still needs to give Ivan his gift. He remembers suddenly, and moves out of Ivan's embrace. "Where are you going?" Ivan asks, panic in his voice. He must be afraid. Afraid that he might leave him for good. He shushes him with a finger, and nimbly navigates his way to the nightstand. He is grateful for the lamp that still shines, or else he wouldn't be able to find his gift. He grabs it and sits back down next to Ivan, helping the boy to sit up. He looked so confused. 

"Here, for you. Happy Birthday," Luka tells him, pressing the box into Ivan's palm. Ivan looks at the small box for a moment, biting his lip. "Even after what I have done?" Ivan says timidly. He seems so small, and Luka knows he's sorry. "Of course, Ivan. It is your birthday after all. You know I don't love you less," Luka places a hand on Ivan's cheek, trying to stop him from crying again. Ivan laughs, leaning over to hug Luka. He's never felt so warm. "Thank you, thank you so much," He repeats over and over again, placing kisses on Luka's neck. He loves it, but he really needed to open the gift. He pulls away, anger and hurt bubbling away. 

"Hurry, open your gift," He smiles, anxiously waiting for Ivan to open it. Ivan does, holding the bracelet in awe. Luka notices that Ivan read the engravement. "It's not much," Luka shrugs. Ivan looks at him in disbelief. 

"It is everything I could ever want. It is so beautiful," Ivan puts the bracelet on, the silver shining as the lamplight hits it. He knocks Luka back down because of the embrace he gives. Ivan laughs again, he loved it. Luka believes that Ivan's laugh is the best sound in the world. 

"Thank you," Ivan whispers in his ear, his hold around him tightening. Too soon, Ivan pulls away and Luka whines. He loved it when Ivan held him. 

"Let me show you my thanks," Ivan's tone changes, his voice is lower and way, way more seductive. "But it's your birthday," Luka laughs, watching Ivan go down on his body. Ivan's hands roam Luka's stomach, pressing kisses everywhere. "You are my present, no?" Ivan whispers, coming back up and peppering small kisses onto Luka's neck. 

"Anything for you," Luka gasps, pleasure pooling in his stomach because of his touch. It's the truth.


	3. iii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the birds stop chirping. silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT UP. HALLO. 
> 
> this fic is not dead !! wow !! i simply took a break (coughs: a 5 month break yikes). i'm so sorry i haven't been able to update this earlier. i've been a bit busy these past months. i also kind of lost inspiration. i didn't know people actually like this fic, which was another reason why i didn't update it sooner. but ppl have been requesting for me to finish it, so i was encouraged again, haha. 
> 
> i started writing this chapter two months ago but i was only able to finish it today. mostly bc i procrastinated and worked on the fic for like 10 mins a week lmao. i was pretty busy too. but, as i was writing this, i figured that this story needed another chapter after this one. hence why i'm writing a 4th and final chapter !! hopefully i won't take 5 months to write it LMAO. 
> 
> anyway, i hope u all enjoy this one. it's a bit sad. x

After the ball incident, things went sour. 

Not between him and Ivan, no, their relationship had actually grown stronger. But as time passed, it was hard for them to be together. Ivan's wife was to bear a child soon too. (The marriage ceremony was beautiful and grand, Luka had to say. Perfect for the two of them.) Still, they found time to be together in the forest, surrounded by peace and wildlife. A break, solace, from their lives. 

Luka was particularly anxious about meeting Ivan today, he paced back and forth on the grass, sandals forgotten next to him. Maybe if he dipped in the lake it would soothe his mind. Ivan had sent him a letter yesterday, stating that when they came today, he would bring bad news. Ivan was like that sometimes, blunt. Straight to the point. 

He ends up dipping his feet in the cool water of the lake when he hears ferns rustling near him. "Lukita!" A familiar voice calls out to him, the nickname makes Luka smile. He turns his head to find Ivan, who didn't have regular clothes on, but a suit. As he had just came from a meeting. Luka motions for him to sit down next to the lake with him. "I have some bread and meat," Ivan tells him, handing him a basket with food packed in.

"Thank you," He whispers, grabbing the food and starting to eat, he was hungry. Ivan gently rubs his back with his hand, and Luka leans into his touch. "Love you," Ivan sighs into Luka's hair (which hadn't grown longer in the last months. Not a good sign. He couldn't bear to tell Ivan what it meant, though. Later.), pressing a kiss on his forehead. "Love you too," Luka responds back easily. 

"Hey, what did you want to tell me? Bad news?" Luka asks, pulling away from the embrace to look in Ivan's eyes. Ivan's eyebrows furrow together, and there is some fury in his eyes. "Yes," He sighs, and he ends up lying down on the grass. He seems tired. Luka puts his food on top of the basket, moving the match Ivan's position. The birds chirp quietly in the background, and it reminds him of when they younger. 

"There is to be a war," Ivan says softly, as to not startle Luka. He isn't surprised nor startled. "Yeah?" 

"From neighboring kingdoms, but we've been called to participate." 

"And it's over?" 

"Land. Resources. It has already started, and we're going to be in the crossfire soon. The daughter of one of their kingdom's had been taken, it's wild. Troops and armies will be staying here for a while, but we need more soldiers. That's just a summary of what's going on." 

"Are you asking me to become a soldier?" 

"What? No, no," Ivan says quickly, disbelief in his voice. "I don't want you to get hurt," He says quietly, fumbling with his hair again. "I will fight, Ivan," Luka tells him. Anything to defend his kingdom. "You can't!"

"Are you fighting?" Luka tells him, sitting up and being serious. This was a war they were talking about. "Yes," Ivan grits, crossing his arms. "Then you have no right to tell me that I can't!" He shouts, anger bubbling up in him. 

"Well I'm your boyfriend, and that's got to count for something, right?" Ivan shouts back, the fire in his eyes was even more prominent. Luka bites his lip, Ivan was right. He understood now, Ivan just cared for him. Ivan gently places his hands on Luka's shoulders, then tilts his head up to look at him.

"I care about you, okay? And I don't want you to get hurt or—" Ivan pauses suddenly as if the word he was about to say was forbidden. "But if you want to fight, okay. We'll do it together," Ivan compromises, tone gentler. It makes his stomach churn, thinking about the war and what was to come. But Luka puts on a small smile and breathes out, "of course." 

\---

"Ow, ow, ow, ah!" Throwing spears wasn't Luka's forte. His aim wasn't that great, and he now had a gash on his hand. It wasn't too deep, nothing cloth or bandages couldn't fix. He sighed, angrily grabbing his spear from the target they were supposed to hit. 

They had heard from spies that their enemies were trying to seize their kingdom in the coming weeks, which wasn't a lot of time to prepare. Their kingdom was very small, and attacking them wouldn't be too hard if Luka had to be honest. The overall feeling of excitement had started to drain out of Luka, the fear of dying seeming to replace it. 

A lot of villagers had decided to fight though, helping their chances of winning. Luka sighed as he hiked up his bag which held his hair in it. Fighting with it would be difficult, but without it, his hair would probably be stepped on, or worse. He marched to the back of the line, standing behind his friend, Dejan. 

His old childhood friends had joined the cause too, they were still very close. No one usually left the village. 

"You alright, Luka?" He asks, grabbing his palm and inspecting the wound. Dejan was training to become a medic, but all medics needed to take some defensive and offensive tasks, just in case of an emergency. "I'm alright, it's not too deep." 

"Yes, well you should wrap it up. Let's go to the medic hut. I need to work on my bandaging anyway," Dejan says, leading Luka to the medics. 

The walk there is short, it was only a few meters away from their training. "How are you?" Luka asks, stepping into the hut with Dejan. He shrugs, "Alright." Luka smirks, he knew what was happening to him. "Fighting with Šime again, hmm?" He asks Dejan as he sits himself down on one of the chairs. Dejan snickers, "yeah. Again. It's alright, we'll be fine." 

Dejan and Šime were both medics, but they had been friends long before the war. All of them were friends. But only Luka knew that Dejan and Šime were together. Even today, only a few people knew about him and Ivan. Dejan skillfully wraps bandages around his hand, and he winces when Dejan pours some liquid onto it. Just then, they hear the tent flap open, to reveal Ivan. He looked fine, he was just making his rounds. 

"Everything good in here?" Ivan calls out, taking off his white jacket. The medics all give thumbs up, before returning to their patients. He looks up at Ivan and Ivan catches his eyes, then he briskly walks towards them. "Are you okay? What happened?" He says frantically, smoothing his hands all over Luka. Luka laughs loudly, ruffling Ivan's smooth, blonde hair. "I'm fine, I cut myself on the spear." 

Ivan visibly relaxes, sighing out in relief. Dejan laughs at them two, "Ivan's going to age fifty years with you fighting." 

"I'm surprised Šime hasn't aged ninety years with you by his side," Luka responds, crossing his arms. Ivan puts a hand on his mouth trying to stifle his chuckles. "Any news, Ivan?" Dejan says, ignoring Luka. 

Ivan moves towards them, pulling up a chair and sitting next to Luka. "Not much," he sighs. "This won't be a long battle. If they win, then we're going down. If we win, then we win the whole war by the looks of things so far." The fear of war was creeping up on them. 

"We got this, alright? Calm down," Luka tells them, rubbing his hand on Ivan's forearm to soothe him. Ivan grabs his hand and holds it tightly. Silence. 

\---

Luka paces back and forth in their tiny tent, hands finding its way to his hair, pulling on it tightly. He's been very anxious, as the actual battle was coming soon. Ivan was away most of the time, he hasn't slept in their tent for a while. He didn't see him much around their camp anymore too, he's mostly been spending his time in their Commander's tent, which Luka understood. 

Everything was quiet at this time, except for the sounds of the birds and the breeze against the trees. He just couldn't fall asleep, his anxiety keeping him awake. Instead, he lies on his cot, closing his eyes. He thinks to himself for a few moments, before he hears footsteps coming towards the tent. The tent flaps open and in comes Ivan, looking more tired than ever. 

Luka doesn't say anything, just watches from his cot. Ivan quickly strips out of his garments, into much thinner clothing for sleeping. Ivan doesn't seem to notice him awake, or else he would've definitely pushed their cots together. Instead, he makes his way towards his cot, sitting on it and putting his head in his hands. A few moments of silence pass before Luka hears Ivan crying. Ivan doesn't cry much, but whenever he does, it always reminds him of when he cried after the ball. Back then. 

After a while, Luka can't handle Ivan crying. It breaks him into two. 

He gets up slowly, as to not surprise Ivan. He doesn't notice and Luka quietly creeps over to Ivan's cot and sits next to him, gently wrapping his arms around Ivan. 

Ivan instantly takes his head out of his hands, angrily wiping away at the tears. "Hey, hi, didn't know you were awake," He sniffles, turning around to look him in the eye. Luka wipes some tears away with his thumb, "hey, what's wrong?" 

"Nothing, nothing. Let's sleep, I'm sorry I haven't slept here in a while." 

Ivan was always like this now. A part of Luka understood, Ivan was a prince and all, and he had his roles. Before, when they were younger, Ivan told Luka everything. Now, he kept things to himself. Yeah, he could have secrets, but if it was hurting him, Luka wanted to know. He couldn't bear the sight of Ivan crying. 

Luka gets up to push the cots together, to make more room. He gets close to Ivan and wraps his arms around him tightly to comfort him. 

"I wish you'd let me in," Luka whispers against Ivan's neck. Ivan continues to make patterns on Luka's hand. At that moment, he felt like they were young again, out in the forest. "Where?" Ivan asks quietly. 

"Here," Luka draws circles with his thumb on Ivan's temple. "Do you not trust me?" Luka asks him. Listening to Ivan was really the only form of help he could offer. To outsiders, the only thing Luka was to Ivan was—nothing. Just a simple peasant who offered to fight in a war. He was that, in a way. He had no special duties, outside of Ivan did not have any connection to the upper class, he was like everyone else. Dispensable. Really, Ivan was the only reason why the upper class takes notice (well, apart from the long hair. But after a while, the charm it brings fades). 

He felt like a burden to Ivan sometimes. He was completely useless to him. The least he could do was comfort Ivan and listen to his problems. "Of course I trust you," Ivan tells him quickly. 

"I'm here, Ivan. Always. You know that," he whispers to him. 

"I know. It's just been hard. I've so many responsibilities and such. The battle is coming soon, we expect it in a few days. Too many people are relying on me. My father has been on me so severely I fucking feel him down my back, Luka. I don't know. I don't know what to do." 

Luka digests his words but keeps rubbing Ivan's arms in comfort. "You don't need to put the world on your shoulders, Ivan. Remember, you're the one who told me that?" It was true when they were younger. Luka's family relied on him so much, after all, he was the only son in his family. And when his father wasn't well, he took up taking care of him and working jobs for medicine. He didn't like it too much, as he had to miss school, football, and being with his friends. 

When he Ivan found out that he did all of that, he helped him, saying that, "you don't need to carry the world on your shoulders, Lu. I'm here, we'll share it together." 

"All the time, no matter what, I'm here. Yeah?" Luka sits up, trying to make Ivan look into his eyes. Luka can't see himself but he knows his face is expressing, 'believe me. please.' 

Ivan does end up looking at his eyes, smiling for the first time in so long. He pulls Luka down and wraps his arms around him, pressing kisses to Luka's hair. "Thank you," He whispers. Luka tells him to sleep, they needed it for tomorrow. "Hey," Ivan whispers so quietly Luka could barely hear him. 

"Hmm?" 

"When this is over, we'll go somewhere together. Anywhere you want. Away from everything. Yeah?" 

For some reason, it makes Luka laugh. In a good way. It seemed so random for Ivan to mention, but it touched him in a way. "Yeah, yeah. Okay. We have to sleep first," Luka laughs, kissing his cheek. And together, they sleep. 

\--- 

The fighting began a few days later, as they predicted. 

It was all a blur to Luka, one day everything was fine and the next day he was a murderer. 

Spears, daggers, arrows flew all around him and he saw some soldiers fall near him and the guilt he had started to feel was slowly weighing him down. Tents around him were set on fire and he got into duels with the enemies. It was complete chaos. 

The plan was to defend the kingdom and slowly push them back out of the city. Once they pushed the enemies away, their allies would come and trap them, so they wouldn't be allowed to escape by sea. A simple plan, but it seemed effective. The thing was, they didn't expect their enemies to be such good warriors. 

They threw spears with precision and never hesitated to kill. Brutal and ruthless. 

Luka hears cannons and explosions go off near him, and he dives away from them. He was fighting near the forest, coincidentally along with some of his friends, Mario and Danijel, who had chosen to right along with him. He carries his hair on his back strongly, as to not damage it. He saw a group of soldiers come at his group quickly, and he bravely defends himself, narrowly missing a spear that was almost driven into his throat. 

He duels with tremendous speed, he just wants to get this over with, he didn't think much of the men he killed. He knows they probably have families and people who love them, but it's easier to not think about it. He comes across a boy, who looked only a few years younger than him. The boy looks terrified, shaking as he holds his spear. The two of them make eye contact, and the boy hides and crawls behind a big tree. Luka takes a deep breath and leaves him. 

Suddenly he hears a shout from behind him, and he feels someone grab him b the shoulders, whipping him around. He's faced with a man much bigger than him, with eyes like a demon and he looks like he was born to kill. The man grunts and Luka hears the metallic sound of a sword being pulled from a sheath. He reacts in the nick of time, using his own spear to fend himself.

The man pushes him against a tree, but Luka takes his spear and deflects a 

potentially fatal blow. He ducks from a punch, and escapes, pushing the man to the ground and holds his spear, ready to kill. But then, the man grabs Luka's hair, pulling it back. It causes Luka to shriek in pain, jumping away. He hears the man grabbing his sword and Luka knows he's aiming for the hair. He ducks in the nick of time, narrowly avoiding severe injury again.

It only takes a few moments for Luka to recover, and he diligently whips around and takes the man by surprise, shoving the spear right through his chest. Luka turns away after he pulls the spear back.

He looks around, not much fighting was going on, but he knew reinforcements were probably coming. He takes a moment of rest, ducking behind a large tree. His face was sweaty and he felt horrible. He pushes some hair away from his eyes and takes a few sips of water from his canteen. He would set out for the rest of his troop soon. 

As quietly as he can, he gets up, spear in hand. He trudges through the forest, looking for some sign of his fellow soldiers. As he walks forward he hears shouting and fighting, he was getting closer. 

A few minutes later, he finds himself in a clearing, the trees weren't as thick here. In the distance, he sees Mario fighting against two soldiers, so he charges over there and throws his spear, effectively killing one of them. Mario takes care of the other one quickly. His aim has significantly improved over the past weeks. Mario nods at him, wiping blood that was on his forehead away. Luka wasn't sure if it was his. 

"They're sending reinforcements, I heard. Ivan is coming also. Come on," Mario tells him. Luka nods, so the two of them go together, trying to find the rest of the troop. "I hear Ivan, come on," Mario urges him forward, the two of them now full-on sprinting. They see more soldiers as they come, and they know they're safer. 

In the distance, not too far away, Luka sees Ivan coming. He looks way worse than himself, blood all over his soiled uniform. Hopefully, it's not his. Luka turns away for a moment, looking up at the path ahead of them. 

It was a mistake. 

All of the sudden, he hears Mario shout next to him, "Ivan!" Luka whips his head around and Ivan has a spear through his body, 

Mario was already charging, spear raised high. Not long after, Luka runs faster than he has before, following Mario. He doesn't know what to think, but fear is the only thing that runs through his mind. A bit of acceptance, also. 

The enemy that stabbed Ivan didn't look too deadly, but he looked so proud of himself. Mario was the first one to attack, spearing him directly through the neck. It was cruel. Luka did not care. 

Luka tends to Ivan, who was lying on the ground, face contorted from the pain. The wound looked severe, and blood was starting to pool. Ivan shouts curses, balling his fists up. Luka's brain goes on autopilot and it takes all of him not to cry and act rationally. 

He kneels next to him, trying to assess the situation. Mario kneels on the other side of Ivan, looking as concerned as he was. "Mario, get the medics. They'll have to tend to him here, we cannot bring him to them." 

"I don't know where they are, maybe they are farther away. Will there be enough time until—" 

"There will be enough time if you go now! Go!" Luka shouts, anger bubbling up. (He'll scold himself for shouting at his friend later.) Mario nods, before backing away and sprinting in the other direction. 

"Ivan, I need to take the spear out, okay? It'll hurt, just hold my hand," Luka tells him, trying to stay calm. He feels himself crying now. Ivan nods, gripping his hand tightly. With one hand, Luka quickly takes the spear out, bracing himself for Ivan's cry of pain. It hurts, to see him like this. 

The wound was located in his torso, it was only a matter of time until Ivan bled out. 

"Look at me, yes? The medics are coming soon, Dejan and Šime will come and fix you up, you'll be fine. Please, just do not close your eyes," Luka chokes out, crying. He was supposed to be strong. Ivan nods, his hand gripping Luka's even tighter than before. 

In the next few minutes, he doesn't hear footsteps coming in their direction. He knows that if he waits any longer, there was no hope in Ivan being alive. It's time. 

He takes his hand away from Ivan for a moment to wipe his tears away. Quickly, he takes his bag with his hair off and places it next to him, cautiously taking the golden locks out. It was a hassle to manage all of his hair. He's surprised it's not tangled. 

Careful, as to not hurt Ivan more, he wraps some of his hair around the wound, putting pressure on it. Ivan looks even more confused. 

After he's finished, he takes Ivan's hand and thinks deeply. 'As mother says, as mother says' he thinks. He feels a rush of air against his hair and he sees the hair glow, but slowly watches it diminish, the gold disappearing to a brown. It has worked. 

The wind seems to settle and the hair is finally a dark shade of brown, except for his hair at shoulder length. When he pulls away, his hair is at his shoulders, a shade of gold, but the hair that has fallen away, brown. And like his mother had said, the pain comes. 

It doesn't come in waves, it hits him full force. It's excruciating, he feels his torso pulse with pain. He hears himself shout and feels some tears start to sprout in his eyes. Suddenly, Ivan is looming over him, panic evident. "What, what has happened?" He asks, checking Luka for injuries. 

"You've healed. There are things I haven't told you, about my hair." 

"Is it magic? Are you alright, what's happening?" 

It makes sense for Ivan to ask questions. "There's no wound, where are you hurting?" Ivan asks again, voice sounding panicked. "The injury you had, I've gained. There's no wound, but I still suffer the effects," he gets out. It's odd, even though he's suffering, he feels at peace. 

"Your hair, what happened? It's fallen, it's brown, I'm so confused—" 

"It's alright. I have a wish, take me over there, will you? I'll tell you everything," he whispers to Ivan, weakly pointing to a spot between two trees. "Of course, of course. Anything," Ivan croaks, voice breaking. He wishes Ivan would not cry. Ivan picks him up and places a kiss to his forehead. "People might see."

"I don't care. There's no one here. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care." 

Luka smiles. 

Ivan walks slowly to the trees, though his legs and shake and Luka can feel his arms begin to tremble. The pain grows, and he clutches his chest, closing his eyes. 

Ivan lays him down on the soft grass and so the shade of leaves block the sun. Ivan kneels over him, hands going to his shirt, still in disbelief of no wound. "Ivan, it's okay, calm down. Please," Luka looks up at his face. He takes one hand away from the point of pain and holds Ivan's. 

"There is a prophecy, Ivan," he whispers. "I didn't want to tell you earlier, I didn't want to scare you." 

"What?" He asks, hands automatically finding their way to Luka's hair. He does that sometimes, and Luka enjoys it. It's the last time he'll be able to feel it, anyway. 

"My mother told me when I was young. My hair has always been like this, it was able to heal. If I healed someone, I would take their pain and the effects. Death. I could only use it once, but I was to use it for a prince. And the prince I would heal would make the kingdom even greater. He would be the king. The part where you and I love each other isn't part of the prophecy. But we've never really followed the rules, have we?" Luka tells the shorter version, for his pain was becoming unbearable. "I have an hour," He tells him. 

He doesn't know what happens after that. Whether he goes to the underworld or stays as a spirit, he doesn't know. 

Ivan sits back on his heels and buries his face in his hands, muttering something that Luka can't quite hear. "Why did you do this?" Ivan asks voice breaking and tears threatening to spill. He points to where Luka was clutching his supposed wound. "Who cares if it's part of the prophecy, you and I are together and that wasn't part of it." 

"Of course I would save you. I would do it over again, Ivan." 

Ivan scoffs sadly, running his hands over Luka's. "A prince is easy to replace, Luka. No one can replace you," Ivan starts sobbing. 

He coughs and dry heaves and it sounds like Luka has already died. He tries to get Ivan's attention but the pain is starting to mess with his mind. He sees light and dark, light and dark. Breathing becomes harder, and he feels his strength start to ebb away. He hopes he is still able to speak. He feels like he has so much to say but so little time. He cannot help but cry a little bit too, Ivan crying gave him more pain. 

"Please, don't cry. It makes me hurt, too," Luka requests of him. Ivan nods, but it takes a while for his crying to stop. It feels like they were young again, just the two of them, alone in the forest. Just without all the crying. 

"I still haven't taken you on our trip," Ivan whispers, which causes them both to chuckle. "Next time," Luka laughs, though it hurts. "Hey, Ivan." 

"Luka?" 

"Thank you. For everything. So many things I can't keep count of. You've made me so happy," He cries quietly. As much as he'd like to keep living with Ivan, he doesn't regret his decision. "You'll be the greatest king, greater than your father and everyone before him. And you'll be happy and prosperous and everyone will love you. I just know it." 

"I can't be happy." 

"Don't say that. I know you will, maybe not in the coming days, but you will. Promise me," He chokes. He takes both of his hands away from the area of pain and tries to tug Ivan closer to him. He runs his hands through his hair and memorizes the face he will never be able to forget and oh gods, he sees people coming. It's Suba, Dejo, and Mario. He has told Suba of the prophecy. They must understand. 

"Okay, yes, I promise," Ivan mumbles against Luka's forehead. "You've made me so happy, too. And you've made me a better person. I don't think I could live without you," Ivan tells him. Luka shakes his head, "Of course you can. You're Ivan Rakitić, too strong for his own good." 

The next minutes were spent in silence, Ivan mumbles incoherent things against his forehead. He places kisses all over his face, and that causes Luka to smile a little. He knows his time is almost over. He doesn't feel very sad, only a little bit. Ivan has made him happy. He was a hero and was happy, very few people were able to achieve that. 

His vision starts to become spotty and it's hard to breathe. The pain has multiplied to all parts of his body. He can't hear too well either. Ivan's hands hold him tightly, he feels so warm. 

"See you later, love you," He manages to say to him. It was the shortest hour of his life. Ivan mumbles something that sounds like "It's alright, you won't hurt anymore. I'll see you soon, I love you more," back. He hears his friends screams and footsteps running towards him. He can't process anything properly anymore. The pain is too much. 

As he finally closes his eyes, the birds stop chirping. The screams are gone. Ivan's words are gone. 

Silence.


	4. iv

He wakes. 

He doesn't understand. 

\--- 

He opens his eyes slowly, in shock of what had just happened. Was he fine? Did he really die? 

His questions were answered when he saw Ivan staring right at him, eyes red and he's mouthing something he can't quite hear. He can't hear anything. He sees his friends around him, mouthing what seems to be his name. 

"Luka," He hears a voice call out to him. It sounds like his mother. Too afraid to move from the ground, he responds, "Hello? Mama? What's happening?" He can't see her, but he can hear her voice in the distance. "He is grieving," She says. Luka knows who she's talking about. He turns his head as Ivan sits back on his heels, in shock. 

"When will I see you, Mama?" 

"You must protect him, first. Until he stops grieving and accepts. As much as I want you with me, you need to wait." 

"Are you mad?" He asks her. "Of course I am not. I've watched over you two, he loves you very much. He makes you happy, and that is what I want for my son," She tells him. Luka smiles at that. "I must go. Protect him. I will see you soon. I love you, my son," Her voice grows quieter and quieter. "I love you too, Mama," He whispers. 

After a few moments, he can finally hear the outside world again. 

Shouts and cries instantly fill his ears. He sits up from the ground, taking a look at his body. He was a spirit. 

He looks back at his dead body, he didn't look much different now. Just cleaner. 

He can feel the earth beneath him and he wonders if he could touch anyone. Of course, he reaches out for Ivan first, trying to touch his cheek. He can feel it, but it didn't feel like Ivan. It felt cold and lifeless. He tried touching his friends' shoulders, and they felt lifeless.

Luka watches as Ivan holds his body in his arms, sobbing over it. He chants his name like a mantra, "Luka, Luka, Luka, Luka," as if he would respond back. Luka watches Suba, who looks genuinely in shock. All of his friends do. He wishes he could do something. 

He wishes he could shout and scream and say "It's okay! Don't cry! I'm here, watching over you all." But he can't. 

So he takes a deep breath and does as his mother had told him to do. Watch. 

\--- 

Being a spirit was odd. 

He couldn't get used to it. He could feel things, but he couldn't pick them up or move them. He could feel other humans, but they felt lifeless and his touch didn't have any effect on them. Looking at his own dead body gave him the chills. 

They had moved his body elsewhere. Ivan requested it to be moved to his tent. 

Not the best of ideas, soon his body would start to rot and smell. But Ivan requested it anyway, almost starting a fight. 

His body is laid on his own cot, arms neatly tucked beside him. Luka walks around and looks at it, he looks at peace. 

Ivan doesn't leave him. 

The first day, Ivan stayed in the tent. He cried and cried and cried. Luka climbed into his cot and laid right next to him. There wasn't anything he could do but watch. He knew this, but at times he caught himself speaking and talking to Ivan, hoping for an answer. He would try and rub Ivan's arm, hoping for a response. It felt cold, but he did it anyway. 

Ivan rarely left the tent. Luka goes through the fabric, stepping outside. He watches as the men in armor patrol the area, while others sit around fires, they seem to be letting down their guard. Luka heard that the war was almost over. Luka watches as Suba walks toward the tent, a bowl with stew in hand. 

Suba walks into Ivan's tent with no hassle, Ivan had requested that the guards outside his tent leave after his death. Luka doesn't understand why. 

Luka watches from the chair in the tent. Suba shakes Ivan awake, gently rousing him. Ivan was heavily breathing, and he shoots up, eyes darting around. "Luka, Luka, is he okay?" Ivan asks, sounding on the brink of tears. Luka gulps when Ivan looks at his dead body on the cot, sadness and other emotions Luka can't exactly name washing over Ivan's face. "Hey, it's okay," Suba tells him, rubbing Ivan's back. Luka can't help but walk over to Ivan's cot and sit down next to him. He doesn't touch him. 

"You need to eat," Suba says, handing Ivan the bowl of stew. Ivan looked sick, he hadn't eaten in so long. He hadn't really been taking care of himself. "I'm not hungry. Someone else needs it," Ivan mumbles. "Ivan. Come on, do you think Luka would've wanted this?" 

"You don't know what he wants!" 

"I'm his best friend, Ivan. I know him well enough," Suba spits out. "We are hurting too, Ivan. Not only you."

Suba gets up and puts the bowl on the table, sighing to himself. He walks over to the body and looks at it with concern. "This wasn't supposed to happen," Suba cries, crumpling to the floor. This is the first time he has cried this hard since Luka's death. "You weren't supposed to be part of this. When we were little, I—I thought that it wouldn't last. Everything was going fine until—" Suba cuts himself off. Ivan knows what he was going to say. "He was supposed to live," He whispers. "Not you." 

Ivan scoffs, "You don't think I wish for the same?" 

\---

Luka knows he's angry. 

People come and go in the tent, he watches as his body rots next to Ivan. "Prince, we must bury him. Or at least dispose of the body," The officials said to him. Ivan, with the large bags under his eyes and his mussed uniform had said, "We'll give him a proper memorial. He deserves it." 

"What has he done? He is a mere peasant, you shouldn't even have been introduced to this man—" 

"I love him, okay? Love, loved, whatever. And when I say we give him a proper burial, we give him a proper burial. Understand?" Luka could hear the anger seeping through Ivan's voice, and he watches as Ivan's knuckles grow white around the spear. He walks over and rubs Ivan's arm, like he used to do. It was no use, Ivan couldn't feel it anyway. 

"Yes, sir," The official said, fear on his face. When the guards left, Ivan threw the spear at the wooden pole, crying over his body once more. 

\--- 

Luka watches as they lower his body into a grave. It was an odd feeling, watching your own burial. Ivan stands near, with his father and mother behind him. His sister and brother stand also, along with his wife.

His papa stands near Jasmina and Diora, his eyes red and hair longer than before. He is crying as well, along with his sisters. First his mother, than him. Their families stand apart, he never told of his relationship with Ivan. It was just a close friendship, he said. 

Luka observes the tomb, inscribed, in curved handwriting was, 

"Luka Modrić  
A Hero of War". 

Luka runs his finger over the inscription, smiling at it. It's nice to be remembered. 

He watches as the king and queen shake hands with his own family, small, sad smiles on their faces. Suba and the rest stand next to his own family, head bowed. He wishes he could speak to them, even if only for a few minutes. 

"Prince," His father whispers as Ivan comes next to him. His father bows, but Ivan stops him. "No need, sir. I'm Ivan." He puts out his hand for his father to shake, and his father grasps it, crying again. "Thank you for all you have done," His father tells Ivan. Ivan is crying as well, trying to shake his hand. 

He watches as Jasmina walks over to Ivan. The burial was basically over, they had already buried his body. Ivan had left his own family to stand near his grave, white gloved hand running over the tombstone. His sister places a hand on Ivan's shoulder, startling him. Luka smiles at their interaction, he had always wanted to properly introduce Ivan to his family. He knew he just couldn't, though. 

"I'm Jasmina," His sister whispers, smiling up at Ivan. He nods his head, facing her. "Luka always talked about you," Jasmina murmurs, looking down at the tombstone. "He was my best friend." 

"And?" Jasmina states, looking up at Ivan. Ivan looks at her quizzically. He ends up coming closer to the two of them, standing right in front of them. He had a suspicion that Jasmina would know, after all, it was hard to hide from her. Diora was a bit easier, she was younger than the two of them. "What do you mean?" 

"I knew you two were together." 

"Did he say anything?" 

"Every time he talked about you this big, bright, smile would appear. Why else would my brother not have a girlfriend? And he always disappeared off to the castle. Then I could remember him coming back in the middle of the night or in the morning. He'd have bruises on his neck and he always looked a bit hazy," Jasmina said, chuckling a little. Ivan laughs as well, wiping his tears away. Luka smiles, they really weren't that subtle. "But there was something else," Jasmina says. 

"We were younger, he was 17 and I was 16. You probably noticed he wasn't going to the castle as often. It was when our mother died, and our father, he was, well, broken. More than all of us. Luka had to work. He stopped going to class to go take our father's job and he went to go work as a blacksmith. I remember, he'd always ask me and Diora to braid his hair then, to keep it out of his eyes," She chuckles, remembering. Luka remembers that, he didn't enjoy the work, but he had to help his family. He loves his mama more than anything, but without his father working, they couldn't go to school. It also took away his time with Ivan. He never told Ivan about that. 

"We tried to help him and eventually our father returned to work, but he didn't let us help. He just wanted us to focus on school. But it was like he knew what was happening. Destiny, right? Mama never told us about the prophecy, only tata, she, Luka, and his friend knew. Now you, I guess," She says sadly. Ivan is still listening, the grip on the tombstone loosening. 

"He made a bracelet. A beautiful one. He told me he wanted to engrave it, but he didn't know how to write well. He spent so much time and money on it. It took him around a year of on and off working just to finish it. But I helped him write, on parchment, then he engraved it. 'Please don't forget me' was what he wrote over and over. Sometimes, at night, I'd wake to go and find some water. He'd be awake, pored over a piece of paper, just writing. When he'd leave for work the next morning, I'd check, see if he wrote correctly. Just, all over the paper, 'please don't forget me'. I could tell he cried as well. And then, just on the back. It was so small, an 'i love you ivan'. It was shaky and I remember, he got the 'n' backwards for some reason, but you could tell he put so much effort into it. My brother, he loved with all he had. I bet he'd try and give you the world, if you had asked him," Jasmina finishes, crying. Ivan is crying as well, before lifting his sleeve to reveal said bracelet. 

That wasn't the only 'i love you' he had written. He wrote it over and over again on a different piece of parchment and he tucked it in his dresser, for only him to see. Eventually, he knew people would find out. But he didn't know Jasmina saw. "He gave it to me during the ball. I've worn it every day since," Ivan tells her, giving her his hand. Jasmina takes his wrist and looks it over, smoothing her thumb over the written words. "Thank you for showing me. He never told me who he gave it to, but he didn't have to," She said, squeezing Ivan's hand one more time. 

"Thank you for everything," She whispers, before engulfing Ivan in a hug. Luka watches from the side, watching as Ivan grips her back, before letting go. She nods at him one more time, but before leaving Ivan asks her one more thing. "Do you think, um, that, he knew I loved him? I told him that I did, always. But I want to be sure."

Jasmina pauses for a moment, chuckling. "More than you'd ever know." Luka watches as Ivan turns away from his sister, looking back at the grave. He notices his own father coming, head down. Ivan wipes away his tears, giving one last look at his tombstone, and then turning away. 

\--- 

Years pass, and Luka is still here. 

He likes to lay in the forest, near the water. Luka takes lots of naps, when he isn't watching his family or Ivan. What he does know is that Ivan has a daughter. She looked exactly like him, same blonde hair and eyes. 

Luka is laying on some grass, where he and Ivan liked to spend their time when they were younger. Sometimes he goes here to hear the chirping of the birds, which really soothed him some days. He gets up, yawning, when he hears footsteps coming closer. He hears the familiar giggling of Ivan's daughter. 

When he turns around, he sees Ivan and Althea, running over. He's not in his usual king attire, but with more simpler clothing. Althea dons a beautiful yellow summer dress, courtesy of his sister. "Papa!" She shouts, running over to sit near the pond. Ivan is holding a basket in one hand, they were probably going to have a picnic. 

"Come here, Althea," He chides, motioning over near Luka. Luka looks around at them, they were sitting directly next to him, and then Ivan sits right next to him, shoulders touching. He notices the bracelet still on his wrist. 

She makes grabby hands at the sweet bread Ivan was handing to her, their laughter filling the air. The two of them eat and talk, with Althea always asking for more stories. She loved them, Luka noticed. 

"When will you tell me about the boy with long hair?" Althea asks, looking up at Ivan quizically. Ivan eyes go wide, smiling sadly at her. "Does it make you sad?" Althea asks, before hugging her father. "Sometimes," He responds, holding Althea. Luka looks at the two of them, before reaching over and smoothing Ivan's hair down. Of course, it doesn't work. "He gave me this," He tells her, showing her the bracelet. She 'oohs' at it, playing with it on her wrist. "It's really pretty!" 

"It is, huh?" 

Ivan places her right in front of him again, before she asks, "You told me you loved him very much." 

"I did. I still do. He would've loved to meet you, sweet girl. Maybe he's right here. I think he is watching over us," Ivan tells her, taking her small hands. She laughs, "Hello!" Luka can't help but laugh and reply. He inches closer to them, leaning his head on Ivan's shoulder. 

"I thought you love me and mama," She questions, tilting her head. "I do. I love you both so, so, much. I love him in a different way. Love doesn't divide, 'Thea. It can only multiply," He whispers to her, picking her up and holding her close. "What does that mean?" 

"It means that just because I love a lot of people, it doesn't mean that my love for you or mama lessens. It grows," He explains. Althea nods, she was a smart girl, Luka thinks. Luka smiles at his words, of course Ivan would say that. He always knew what to say. Luka moves away to sit in front of Ivan, smiling at their hug. "You don't have to be sad, Papa. You said he watches over us! So that means he's here. I'm sure he doesn't want you to be sad," Althea giggles. She took right after her father. 

"You're right," He whispers. "Luka would love you," He tells her, tucking her head under his chin. And then, he looks straight at Luka. Luka gasps, even though he's sure that Ivan cannot see him. The two of them hold the eye contact for a moment. Then he feels something. Acceptance. 

Luka leans over and hugs the two of them, tears already appearing. He knows they can't feel it, but he still hugs them. He breaks away when Althea sneezes all of the sudden, scaring the two of them. They all laugh loudly, even though they know they can't hear him. 

Before long, he hears his mama again. The familiar shouts of "Luka! My son!" Luka turns around and sees his mama, and Luka just melts. He kisses Ivan's forehead one more time and squeezes him one more time, just remembering every part of him. He brushes his hair out of his eyes and after so long, he leaves Ivan. He does not cry. 

They had loved each other in silence, but loving each other in silence was better than not loving each other at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what a ride haha sorry this took so long to get out !! i lost some motivation but grinded out this last chapter today. thank you all for the support !! i enjoyed writing this a lot. it's probably the longest fic i've written, haha. 
> 
> thanks everyone again and i hope yall like this x


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